SELF-PROTECTIVE LAYERS

For years, I have wrapped myself in self-protective layers. Those layers served to keep others from getting to the real me.

Truthfully, I didn't want anyone to get too close. There were two reasons. First, I selfishly didn't want to give what someone might demand from me. And second, I certainly didn't want to risk what anyone might see in me if they got beneath the surface.

So, I would give many people the "illusion" of being close to me. I would pick different versions of myself to put on when I was around you, much the same way that I would pick out which clothes I was going to wear on any given day. I might ask probing questions of you, but if you asked probing questions of me, you would only get surface answers. I would deflect you with humor or sarcasm. Or, I might go into "Bible teacher" or "business trainer" mode. That is where I would teach you something that would be packaged in the form of a one-way lecture instead of a two-way conversation. I was terrified of being duped, being used, and being vulnerable. Especially being vulnerable. So I never went out without being "layered up."

I related the same way to God. There were parts of me where I didn't give Him full access. There were things I held with a closed fist instead of an open hand. I wanted His blessings, but I didn't want the surrender that was required to get those blessings. The same two reasons were true of my relationship with God that were true of my relationships with others. If He got too close, I was afraid of what He might require from me. And, I was terrified to let Him into all the dark recesses and corners of my heart because I knew there were secrets that would be unacceptable.

It has taken a long time, but God never gave up on me. I've finally surrendered to Him. I've canceled my subscription to the "Gayle Foster self-protection services." I've dropped the layers. I've discovered that there is actually more love to let in than hurt to keep out. Obviously, living like this lets in the potential for hurt, but there is also great joy to experience by letting God bind the wounds He allows. To go through life without pain is basically to go through life with feeling. Numbness is not living.

I have replaced putting on my own body armor with putting on the full armor of God. I'm still armored up. Now I'm just armored up with Him. If God is a shield around me every day, if He is my strong fortress, I don't need to provide my own layers of protection. As a matter of fact, I've discovered that self-sufficiency and self-protection are two of the biggest sins. They both say that I don't need God. And they keep me from fulfilling the greatest commandment: Loving God with all my heart and loving others as myself. I am finally free to be loved and to give love.

I urge you to do the thing that I have been afraid of doing most of my life. Drop the layers. Take off the mask. Open your heart wide. Give and receive love. Don't worry about who might hurt you, use you, or expose you. Armor up every day with Him. He will protect you. You don't need to protect yourself. Let Him surround you with a shield on all sides. Let Him direct your path from His vantage point from above. Let Him undergird you as a rock beneath your feet. Let Him meet your deepest needs from within. Around. Above. Beneath. Within. You are protected. You can now walk about in freedom without fear.

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10b, KJV). "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life" (John 10:10b, NLT).